


the truth worth more

by notspring



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Closeted Character, Gen, Public vs. Private Personas, Sexual Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27411724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notspring/pseuds/notspring
Summary: The real answer, of course, is that Jihoon is afraid.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi & Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 20
Kudos: 57
Collections: Challenge 4: Non-AU





	the truth worth more

  
  
_“Where does the infamous producer Woozi find his inspiration?”_

Jihoon laughs, flustered at the attention even after so many years, and stutters his way through an awkward denial. 

“Ah,” he says, cheeks red, trying not to look at any one person too directly. “Nowhere special, really.”

“No ex-girlfriends? No secret loves?”

Jihoon laughs again, significantly more uncomfortably this time — this is persistent, for a radio interview. He can tell he’s not the only one who feels weird about it.

“Nothing like that,” he says firmly. 

“Ah, our Jihoonie only has love for our fans,” Soonyoung butts in loudly, full of smiles and charm and a lightness Jihoon will never, ever manage. 

When Jihoon catches Soonyoung’s gaze the sympathy stings. 

Jihoon flinches, wrenches his eyes away. 

_“Where does the infamous producer Woozi find his inspiration?”_

The real answer, of course, is that the songs aren’t true.

_“Where does the infamous producer Woozi find his inspiration?”_

“Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe you’ve been looking for love in the wrong place?” Soonyoung asks later, when their paths cross outside the kitchen. It’s very late, or maybe very early — honestly, Jihoon doesn’t usually bother to make the distinction anymore.

Jihoon squints at Soonyoung, confused. 

“What does that mean?”

“Like, let’s say you’re a dog, right, and you’re trying to sniff out your dinner, but it turns out you were sniffing in the wrong direction the whole time,” Soonyoung says. “Maybe you were just heading towards something that _smelled_ like dinner, but it was actually something else entirely.”

“What the fuck?” Jihoon asks, at a total loss, a little concerned about where this is going. He doesn’t think this is something he really wants to talk about. “Are you comparing women to _dinner_?”

“What? No,” Soonyoung says, blinking in confusion. “That’s the complete opposite — No. Dinner is the successful relationship. I thought it was obvious.”

“Well, it wasn’t,” Jihoon says, and then, “I still don’t get it.”

“He’s asking if you’re sure you don’t want to fuck men,” Jun’s voice says suddenly, coming from somewhere behind Jihoon.

Jihoon’s entire body goes still. 

“What the _fuck_ ,” he says, whirling his head around to find Jun lounging casually on the couch behind them. “Have you been there this whole time?”

“Yeah,” Jun says, not even bothering to look up from his phone. “I think Soonyoung has a point.”

“Fuck you, he _doesn’t_ ,” Jihoon spits out. There’s a sense of panic overtaking him, sickening and overwhelming, at the idea that they’ve been observing him this whole time. That this is the conclusion they’ve come to.

It’s one thing to read comments online — malicious comments from people who don’t know him, or wishful thinking from fans. Things like that have never mattered to Jihoon. But it’s something else entirely to hear it from two of the people who know him best. 

“You can’t just say shit like that, Moon Junhwi,” Jihoon snaps, vicious and threatened. “Someone could _hear you_.”

Soonyoung’s eyes are very wide, flicking between the two of them like he isn’t sure what he should do. Jihoon isn’t sure what Soonyoung should do, either — hasn’t he already done enough?

“Yes,” Jun says simply, finally looking up, blinking like he doesn’t understand Jihoon’s point. 

If Jihoon hadn’t spent literal years practicing conflict deescalation, a practice borne out of necessity rather than personal inclination, he’d be launching himself over the back of the couch to punch Jun in the face.

As it is, he has to settle for scowling and stalking out of the room, ignoring Soonyoung’s weak pleas for him to stay. 

_“Where does the infamous producer Woozi find his inspiration?”_

The real answer, of course, is that it’s easier than people think to write something that _feels_ real, but isn’t.

Jihoon isn’t a child: he can talk about romance, about sex. He understands how it works. He’s watched it happen, in dramas and shoujo manga, and it isn’t as though Jihoon doesn’t know how to _love_. He loves the members; he loves his parents, too. 

Jihoon knows how to love, sure, but there are still parts of himself he doesn’t know how to give away.

_“Where does the infamous producer Woozi find his inspiration?”_

Jihoon doesn’t stop once he’s out of the kitchen. He keeps going, going, going, until he’s in his studio, locked in, the lights turned low and soothing. 

He stays there for long time — long even by his own standards, which are admittedly skewed. He isn’t even working, just staring at the screen, thoughts everywhere and nowhere all at once.

Soonyoung will come and apologize, Jihoon knows — probably sooner rather than later. Maybe Jun will, too. Jihoon will accept it. He’ll let it go, for the sake of the team. 

But the anxiety will still be there, a wire pulled taut. 

Soonyoung didn’t mean any harm; he probably meant to help. Jihoon knows that. He _does_. But now Jihoon is the one who has to keep thinking about it. About himself, about the others, about the way the others see him. He doesn’t know how to stop. 

What Soonyoung said — and Jihoon can’t acknowledge it directly, not even in his own head — doesn’t matter, because that isn’t something Jihoon is allowed to be. Jihoon knows what he’s supposed to do, and that isn’t it.

His phone lights up once, twice, three times. Jeonghan first, then Seungcheol, and then — of course — Soonyoung.

Jihoon ignores them all, flipping his phone over so he won’t have to think about it. 

_“Where does the infamous producer Woozi find his inspiration?”_

The real answer, of course, is that Jihoon is afraid. 

_“Where does the infamous producer Woozi find his inspiration?”_

There’s a knock at the door to the studio.

Jihoon sighs, and stands up to let in Soonyoung in.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you so, so much to the snapshots mods for always being so kind and accommodating, and for all your hard work creating these challenges♡


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